Grief is something we all go through yet it is also something many try to avoid when others go through it. The loss of a baby is an inexplicable pain. There is nothing that can be said or done to change that but the support from those around us is what helps us keep moving forward.
Grief is so diverse and each and everyone one of us handles it differently. This can make it uncomfortable for someone to comfort another in their grief. Take cues from the person who you are supporting. If they wish to talk about their baby then allow them too without judgement or if they want to just sit in silence, embrace the silence and just sit. Don't discourage the way in which they chose to grieve.
This can't be fixed, nothing or no one in this world can fix this and we know that. How we cope with what we feel and how we choose to express this should be supported with kindness. Don't be afraid of not knowing what to say, be a reason not to say anything at all or to avoid us. Truth be told, we don't know what to say either. Be honest and tell us that you don't know what to say but acknowledging that our baby existed is the kindest thing you can do. Don't be afraid to ask questions about their baby. What they weighed, how much hair did they have, what was their hair colour. Ask to see a picture if they are comfortable sharing.
Surround them with love and care. Showing up and being there is all they really need.
Campbell was a great support for me. He was patient and encouraged me to feel exactly what I was feeling and to let it all out, holding me as I did. Often the fathers can be forgotten as most of the focus is on the mother. Reach out to the fathers too, let them know that their feelings matter, that he doesn't have to be strong all the time. That it is ok for him to grieve too.
On the day we found out that Arran's heart had stopped beating, my sisters came over to our house and cleared all Arran's things from around the house and put them safely in his room. They believed it would be a painful sight to have to come home to. I really appreciated this gesture as I felt it showed how much they tried to empathise with what I may be feeling. My sister, Claire, was a great help while we were in hospital. She took care of Ben for us and didn't make us feel rushed into having to leave the hospital. She also helped take care of the practical elements for when we returned home. She helped tidy the house and do dishes and she made the endless cups of teas and coffees when people came over to see us.
My mother-in-law, Ann, would kindly bring meals that would simply need put in the oven which again, I was very grateful for. Trying to manage just normal daily tasks was exhausting so having all this help and support really did make a difference.
I was afraid to leave the house in fear of bumping into people we knew.
I can remember walking into the supermarket for the first time and thinking, ‘ my baby has died and I have to shop for food as if nothing happened ’. I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs how unfair life was and that I just had to carry on as normal. I wanted the world to stop turning just as ours had. It was a very strange experience. Claire was always with me and made sure that I was ok. She would take over these tasks for me when I couldn't.
Normal things are no longer normal because everything has Arran attached to it.
Taking Ben to school for the first time was extremely difficult and many tears were shed. I was supposed to take him back after the summer holidays pushing a pram. He was supposed to kiss his little brother goodbye and tell him how much he would miss him and how he couldn't wait to get home to see him. But that would no longer happen and it hurt. I struggled with the school run for weeks and often cried walking back home after having dropped him off. Crying for what should have been and for what would never be. I still have days where I cry when doing the school run.Hysterically crying in the school playground because one of the mums who was pregnant at the same time as me was standing there with her beautiful new little boy. Why could I not have mine? Feeling angry, envious, jealous and complete and utter sadness.
Normal is no longer normal and those who have not tread this road will not understand how the ‘ normal things ’ become huge hurdles that we face nearly every day.
As time passes, people think you have moved on, that you are coping well but the grief, heartache, sorrow and longing lingers on. There is no other choice but to keep moving. The tears dry out and come less frequent, you laugh with family and friends but the aching heart is always there in the background. I still have days where the emotions are overwhelming and I can't stop the tears. This is a lifelong feeling that will never go away, we simply adjust to carrying it with us. Friends and family remembering special days and honouring our baby on those days means more than can ever be said. Your support should not be limited by time as there is no end to the grief that is carried.
I have compiled a list of things that I found and continue to find supportive and what other bereaved parents have found helpful in their grieving journey.
It is said that the loss of a child is the worst trauma a person can experience. Not only are the parents grieving the loss of their baby but they are also grieving the life they had planned with their baby. They are grieving the life their baby will never have. They are grieving each milestone that their baby will not achieve.
Be patient with the person you are supporting.